Family friendly jokes
- Doc Dan
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Re: Family friendly jokes
What do you call a person who sleeps in their socks?
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I Pray Heaven to Bestow The Best of Blessing on THIS HOUSE, and on ALL that shall hereafter Inhabit it. May none but Honest and Wise Men ever rule under This Roof! (John Adams regarding the White House)
Follow the Christ, the King,
Live pure, speak true, right wrong, follow the King--
Else, wherefore born?" (Tennyson)
NRA Life Member
Spydernation 0050
Follow the Christ, the King,
Live pure, speak true, right wrong, follow the King--
Else, wherefore born?" (Tennyson)
NRA Life Member
Spydernation 0050
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Re: Family friendly jokes
Hahaha! That got me.
- Connor
"What is a man profited, if he shall gain the whole world, and lose his own soul?"
"What is a man profited, if he shall gain the whole world, and lose his own soul?"
- Doc Dan
- Member
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- Joined: Thu Nov 08, 2012 4:25 am
- Location: In a dimension as vast as space and as timeless as infinity.
Re: Family friendly jokes
A man’s friend sets him up on a blind date with another friend of his. The man is worried about going out with someone he has never seen before.
“What do I do if she’s ugly?” he says. “I’ll be stuck with her all night.”
“Don’t worry,” the friend replies. “Just go up to her door and meet her first. If you like what you see, then everything goes as planned. If you don’t, just scream really loud and fake an asthma attack.”
So that night, the man knocks on the girl’s door, and when she comes out he is awe-struck at how beautiful she is. The man is about to speak when the girl suddenly screams and shouts loudly: “I think I’m having an asthma attack!”
“What do I do if she’s ugly?” he says. “I’ll be stuck with her all night.”
“Don’t worry,” the friend replies. “Just go up to her door and meet her first. If you like what you see, then everything goes as planned. If you don’t, just scream really loud and fake an asthma attack.”
So that night, the man knocks on the girl’s door, and when she comes out he is awe-struck at how beautiful she is. The man is about to speak when the girl suddenly screams and shouts loudly: “I think I’m having an asthma attack!”
I Pray Heaven to Bestow The Best of Blessing on THIS HOUSE, and on ALL that shall hereafter Inhabit it. May none but Honest and Wise Men ever rule under This Roof! (John Adams regarding the White House)
Follow the Christ, the King,
Live pure, speak true, right wrong, follow the King--
Else, wherefore born?" (Tennyson)
NRA Life Member
Spydernation 0050
Follow the Christ, the King,
Live pure, speak true, right wrong, follow the King--
Else, wherefore born?" (Tennyson)
NRA Life Member
Spydernation 0050
- Doc Dan
- Member
- Posts: 14911
- Joined: Thu Nov 08, 2012 4:25 am
- Location: In a dimension as vast as space and as timeless as infinity.
Re: Family friendly jokes
A patient was lying in bed, still groggy from the effects of a recent operation. His doctor came in, looking very glum.
“I can’t be sure what’s wrong with you,” the doctor said. “I think it’s the drinking.”
“Okay,” the patient said. “Can we get an opinion from a doctor who’s sober?”
“I can’t be sure what’s wrong with you,” the doctor said. “I think it’s the drinking.”
“Okay,” the patient said. “Can we get an opinion from a doctor who’s sober?”
I Pray Heaven to Bestow The Best of Blessing on THIS HOUSE, and on ALL that shall hereafter Inhabit it. May none but Honest and Wise Men ever rule under This Roof! (John Adams regarding the White House)
Follow the Christ, the King,
Live pure, speak true, right wrong, follow the King--
Else, wherefore born?" (Tennyson)
NRA Life Member
Spydernation 0050
Follow the Christ, the King,
Live pure, speak true, right wrong, follow the King--
Else, wherefore born?" (Tennyson)
NRA Life Member
Spydernation 0050
- legOFwhat?
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- Location: Kentucky; Earth
Re: Family friendly jokes
A lady is walking down the street and sees a parrot in the window of a pet store.
She stops to admire the bird. The parrot says to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly." Well, the lady is furious! She storms past the store to her work.
The next day she sees the same parrot in the window. When the parrot sees her it says, "Hey lady, you are really ugly." She's livid, and storms off.
A day later she sees the same parrot and once again it says, "Hey lady, my God are you ugly." The lady is so furious that she marches into the store and threatens to sue the store and have the bird killed. The store manager apologizes profusely and promises the bird won't say it again.
The next day when the lady walks past the store the parrot says to her, "Hey lady. Lady!" She pauses, scowls with an icy stare, and says, "Yes?" And the parrot says, "... You know..."
She stops to admire the bird. The parrot says to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly." Well, the lady is furious! She storms past the store to her work.
The next day she sees the same parrot in the window. When the parrot sees her it says, "Hey lady, you are really ugly." She's livid, and storms off.
A day later she sees the same parrot and once again it says, "Hey lady, my God are you ugly." The lady is so furious that she marches into the store and threatens to sue the store and have the bird killed. The store manager apologizes profusely and promises the bird won't say it again.
The next day when the lady walks past the store the parrot says to her, "Hey lady. Lady!" She pauses, scowls with an icy stare, and says, "Yes?" And the parrot says, "... You know..."
-Larry
Hebrews 13:6 So we may boldly say: “The Lord is my helper; I will not fear. What can man do to me?”
MNOSD #0049
Hebrews 13:6 So we may boldly say: “The Lord is my helper; I will not fear. What can man do to me?”
MNOSD #0049
- Doc Dan
- Member
- Posts: 14911
- Joined: Thu Nov 08, 2012 4:25 am
- Location: In a dimension as vast as space and as timeless as infinity.
Re: Family friendly jokes
I Pray Heaven to Bestow The Best of Blessing on THIS HOUSE, and on ALL that shall hereafter Inhabit it. May none but Honest and Wise Men ever rule under This Roof! (John Adams regarding the White House)
Follow the Christ, the King,
Live pure, speak true, right wrong, follow the King--
Else, wherefore born?" (Tennyson)
NRA Life Member
Spydernation 0050
Follow the Christ, the King,
Live pure, speak true, right wrong, follow the King--
Else, wherefore born?" (Tennyson)
NRA Life Member
Spydernation 0050
- Doc Dan
- Member
- Posts: 14911
- Joined: Thu Nov 08, 2012 4:25 am
- Location: In a dimension as vast as space and as timeless as infinity.
Re: Family friendly jokes
Worried that they hadn’t heard anything for days from the widow in the apartment next door, the mother said to her son: “Tony, would you go next door and see how old Mrs Pierpoint is?”
A few minutes later, Tony returned.
“Well, is she all right?” asked the mother.
“She’s fine, but she’s rather annoyed with you,” remarked Tony.
“At me!” the mother exclaimed. “Whatever for?”
Tony replied: “Mrs Pierpoint said it’s none of your business how old she is.”
A few minutes later, Tony returned.
“Well, is she all right?” asked the mother.
“She’s fine, but she’s rather annoyed with you,” remarked Tony.
“At me!” the mother exclaimed. “Whatever for?”
Tony replied: “Mrs Pierpoint said it’s none of your business how old she is.”
I Pray Heaven to Bestow The Best of Blessing on THIS HOUSE, and on ALL that shall hereafter Inhabit it. May none but Honest and Wise Men ever rule under This Roof! (John Adams regarding the White House)
Follow the Christ, the King,
Live pure, speak true, right wrong, follow the King--
Else, wherefore born?" (Tennyson)
NRA Life Member
Spydernation 0050
Follow the Christ, the King,
Live pure, speak true, right wrong, follow the King--
Else, wherefore born?" (Tennyson)
NRA Life Member
Spydernation 0050
- Doc Dan
- Member
- Posts: 14911
- Joined: Thu Nov 08, 2012 4:25 am
- Location: In a dimension as vast as space and as timeless as infinity.
Re: Family friendly jokes
A woman shouts to her blond husband, "Did you find the shampoo?"
"Yes," he answers, "but I don't know what to do. It says for dry hair only and I've already wet mine."
"Yes," he answers, "but I don't know what to do. It says for dry hair only and I've already wet mine."
I Pray Heaven to Bestow The Best of Blessing on THIS HOUSE, and on ALL that shall hereafter Inhabit it. May none but Honest and Wise Men ever rule under This Roof! (John Adams regarding the White House)
Follow the Christ, the King,
Live pure, speak true, right wrong, follow the King--
Else, wherefore born?" (Tennyson)
NRA Life Member
Spydernation 0050
Follow the Christ, the King,
Live pure, speak true, right wrong, follow the King--
Else, wherefore born?" (Tennyson)
NRA Life Member
Spydernation 0050
- Doc Dan
- Member
- Posts: 14911
- Joined: Thu Nov 08, 2012 4:25 am
- Location: In a dimension as vast as space and as timeless as infinity.
Re: Family friendly jokes
One more:
A blond man spots a letter on his doormat, It says on the outside of the envelope "DO NOT BEND." He spends the next two hours trying to figure out how to pick it up.
A blond man spots a letter on his doormat, It says on the outside of the envelope "DO NOT BEND." He spends the next two hours trying to figure out how to pick it up.
I Pray Heaven to Bestow The Best of Blessing on THIS HOUSE, and on ALL that shall hereafter Inhabit it. May none but Honest and Wise Men ever rule under This Roof! (John Adams regarding the White House)
Follow the Christ, the King,
Live pure, speak true, right wrong, follow the King--
Else, wherefore born?" (Tennyson)
NRA Life Member
Spydernation 0050
Follow the Christ, the King,
Live pure, speak true, right wrong, follow the King--
Else, wherefore born?" (Tennyson)
NRA Life Member
Spydernation 0050
- Doc Dan
- Member
- Posts: 14911
- Joined: Thu Nov 08, 2012 4:25 am
- Location: In a dimension as vast as space and as timeless as infinity.
Re: Family friendly jokes
Okay, just one more, I promise:
A blond man shouts frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!"
The doctor asks, "Is this her first child?"
The blond man replies, "No! This is her husband!"
A blond man shouts frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!"
The doctor asks, "Is this her first child?"
The blond man replies, "No! This is her husband!"
I Pray Heaven to Bestow The Best of Blessing on THIS HOUSE, and on ALL that shall hereafter Inhabit it. May none but Honest and Wise Men ever rule under This Roof! (John Adams regarding the White House)
Follow the Christ, the King,
Live pure, speak true, right wrong, follow the King--
Else, wherefore born?" (Tennyson)
NRA Life Member
Spydernation 0050
Follow the Christ, the King,
Live pure, speak true, right wrong, follow the King--
Else, wherefore born?" (Tennyson)
NRA Life Member
Spydernation 0050
- Doc Dan
- Member
- Posts: 14911
- Joined: Thu Nov 08, 2012 4:25 am
- Location: In a dimension as vast as space and as timeless as infinity.
Re: Family friendly jokes
What do you call a happy cowboy?
► Show Spoiler
I Pray Heaven to Bestow The Best of Blessing on THIS HOUSE, and on ALL that shall hereafter Inhabit it. May none but Honest and Wise Men ever rule under This Roof! (John Adams regarding the White House)
Follow the Christ, the King,
Live pure, speak true, right wrong, follow the King--
Else, wherefore born?" (Tennyson)
NRA Life Member
Spydernation 0050
Follow the Christ, the King,
Live pure, speak true, right wrong, follow the King--
Else, wherefore born?" (Tennyson)
NRA Life Member
Spydernation 0050
- Doc Dan
- Member
- Posts: 14911
- Joined: Thu Nov 08, 2012 4:25 am
- Location: In a dimension as vast as space and as timeless as infinity.
Re: Family friendly jokes
What happens if you enter a wormhole?
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I Pray Heaven to Bestow The Best of Blessing on THIS HOUSE, and on ALL that shall hereafter Inhabit it. May none but Honest and Wise Men ever rule under This Roof! (John Adams regarding the White House)
Follow the Christ, the King,
Live pure, speak true, right wrong, follow the King--
Else, wherefore born?" (Tennyson)
NRA Life Member
Spydernation 0050
Follow the Christ, the King,
Live pure, speak true, right wrong, follow the King--
Else, wherefore born?" (Tennyson)
NRA Life Member
Spydernation 0050
- Doc Dan
- Member
- Posts: 14911
- Joined: Thu Nov 08, 2012 4:25 am
- Location: In a dimension as vast as space and as timeless as infinity.
Re: Family friendly jokes
Why do people who live in Greece hate waking up at dawn?
► Show Spoiler
I Pray Heaven to Bestow The Best of Blessing on THIS HOUSE, and on ALL that shall hereafter Inhabit it. May none but Honest and Wise Men ever rule under This Roof! (John Adams regarding the White House)
Follow the Christ, the King,
Live pure, speak true, right wrong, follow the King--
Else, wherefore born?" (Tennyson)
NRA Life Member
Spydernation 0050
Follow the Christ, the King,
Live pure, speak true, right wrong, follow the King--
Else, wherefore born?" (Tennyson)
NRA Life Member
Spydernation 0050
- Doc Dan
- Member
- Posts: 14911
- Joined: Thu Nov 08, 2012 4:25 am
- Location: In a dimension as vast as space and as timeless as infinity.
Re: Family friendly jokes
In honor of 486000:
Two friends were riding along on a tandem bicycle when, suddenly, the one at the front slammed on the brakes, hopped off and began letting air out of the tyres.
“Hey!” the one at the back said. “What are you doing that for?!”
“My seat was too high. I wanted to lower it a bit,” the first guy replied.
The one on the back then jumped off in frustration, loosened his own seat and spun it around to face the other direction.
“Now what are you doing?” the first guy asked his friend.
“Look,” the back rider said, “If you’re going to do stupid stuff like that, I’m going home!”
Two friends were riding along on a tandem bicycle when, suddenly, the one at the front slammed on the brakes, hopped off and began letting air out of the tyres.
“Hey!” the one at the back said. “What are you doing that for?!”
“My seat was too high. I wanted to lower it a bit,” the first guy replied.
The one on the back then jumped off in frustration, loosened his own seat and spun it around to face the other direction.
“Now what are you doing?” the first guy asked his friend.
“Look,” the back rider said, “If you’re going to do stupid stuff like that, I’m going home!”
I Pray Heaven to Bestow The Best of Blessing on THIS HOUSE, and on ALL that shall hereafter Inhabit it. May none but Honest and Wise Men ever rule under This Roof! (John Adams regarding the White House)
Follow the Christ, the King,
Live pure, speak true, right wrong, follow the King--
Else, wherefore born?" (Tennyson)
NRA Life Member
Spydernation 0050
Follow the Christ, the King,
Live pure, speak true, right wrong, follow the King--
Else, wherefore born?" (Tennyson)
NRA Life Member
Spydernation 0050
- Doc Dan
- Member
- Posts: 14911
- Joined: Thu Nov 08, 2012 4:25 am
- Location: In a dimension as vast as space and as timeless as infinity.
Re: Family friendly jokes
What's the best way to catch a squirrel?
► Show Spoiler
I Pray Heaven to Bestow The Best of Blessing on THIS HOUSE, and on ALL that shall hereafter Inhabit it. May none but Honest and Wise Men ever rule under This Roof! (John Adams regarding the White House)
Follow the Christ, the King,
Live pure, speak true, right wrong, follow the King--
Else, wherefore born?" (Tennyson)
NRA Life Member
Spydernation 0050
Follow the Christ, the King,
Live pure, speak true, right wrong, follow the King--
Else, wherefore born?" (Tennyson)
NRA Life Member
Spydernation 0050
- Doc Dan
- Member
- Posts: 14911
- Joined: Thu Nov 08, 2012 4:25 am
- Location: In a dimension as vast as space and as timeless as infinity.
Re: Family friendly jokes
What's worse than raining cats and dogs?
► Show Spoiler
I Pray Heaven to Bestow The Best of Blessing on THIS HOUSE, and on ALL that shall hereafter Inhabit it. May none but Honest and Wise Men ever rule under This Roof! (John Adams regarding the White House)
Follow the Christ, the King,
Live pure, speak true, right wrong, follow the King--
Else, wherefore born?" (Tennyson)
NRA Life Member
Spydernation 0050
Follow the Christ, the King,
Live pure, speak true, right wrong, follow the King--
Else, wherefore born?" (Tennyson)
NRA Life Member
Spydernation 0050
- Doc Dan
- Member
- Posts: 14911
- Joined: Thu Nov 08, 2012 4:25 am
- Location: In a dimension as vast as space and as timeless as infinity.
Re: Family friendly jokes
What do you call a cow with only two legs?
► Show Spoiler
I Pray Heaven to Bestow The Best of Blessing on THIS HOUSE, and on ALL that shall hereafter Inhabit it. May none but Honest and Wise Men ever rule under This Roof! (John Adams regarding the White House)
Follow the Christ, the King,
Live pure, speak true, right wrong, follow the King--
Else, wherefore born?" (Tennyson)
NRA Life Member
Spydernation 0050
Follow the Christ, the King,
Live pure, speak true, right wrong, follow the King--
Else, wherefore born?" (Tennyson)
NRA Life Member
Spydernation 0050
- Doc Dan
- Member
- Posts: 14911
- Joined: Thu Nov 08, 2012 4:25 am
- Location: In a dimension as vast as space and as timeless as infinity.
Re: Family friendly jokes
Little Johnny’s preschool class went on a field trip to the fire station. The firefighter giving the presentation held up a smoke detector and asked the class: “Does anyone know what this is?”
Little Johnny’s hand shot up and the firefighter called on him. He replied: “That’s how Mummy knows supper is ready!”
Little Johnny’s hand shot up and the firefighter called on him. He replied: “That’s how Mummy knows supper is ready!”
I Pray Heaven to Bestow The Best of Blessing on THIS HOUSE, and on ALL that shall hereafter Inhabit it. May none but Honest and Wise Men ever rule under This Roof! (John Adams regarding the White House)
Follow the Christ, the King,
Live pure, speak true, right wrong, follow the King--
Else, wherefore born?" (Tennyson)
NRA Life Member
Spydernation 0050
Follow the Christ, the King,
Live pure, speak true, right wrong, follow the King--
Else, wherefore born?" (Tennyson)
NRA Life Member
Spydernation 0050
- Paul Ardbeg
- Member
- Posts: 452
- Joined: Sun May 14, 2023 11:39 am
- Location: The Netherlands
Re: Family friendly jokes
What is the hardest thing about being vegan?
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MNOSD member #0052
***Memento mori, memento vivere***
MNOSD member #0052
***Memento mori, memento vivere***