Lets lighten the mood a bit... :D

[Fisher of Men]

Some good old quotes from Saturday Night Live's Jack Handey skit.

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If you rob a bank, and your pants fall down, its okay to laugh. and let your hostages laugh too, because come on, life is funny.

- Jack Handey

As the light changed from red to green to yellow and back to red again, I sat there thinking about life. Was it nothing more than a bunch of honking and yelling? Sometimes it seemed that way.

- Jack Handey

It's easy to sit there and say you'd like to have more money. And I guess that's what I like about it. It's easy. Just sitting there, rocking back and forth, wanting that money

- Jack Handey

To me, it's always a good idea to always carry two sacks of something when you walk around. That way, if anybody says, "Hey, can you give me a hand?," you can say, "Sorry, got these sacks."

- Jack Handey

Too bad you can't just grab a tree by the very tip-top and bend it clear over the ground and then let her fly, because I bet you'd be amazed at all the stuff that comes flying out.

- Jack Handey

If you go through a lot of hammers each month, I don't think it necessarily means you're a hard worker. It may just mean that you have a lot to learn about proper hammer maintenance.

- Jack Handey

The funny thing about driving your car off a cliff, I bet you're still hitting those brakes.

- Jack Handey

If you're ever on fire, I think it's best not to look in a mirror, because that will really get you in a panic.

- Jack Handey

Whatever doesn't kill me makes me stronger. Not lifting weights doesn't kill me. Therefore not lifting weights makes me stronger.

- Jack Handey

Is there anything more beautiful than a beautiful, beautiful flamingo flying across in front of a beautiful sunset. And he has a beautiful rose in his beak. And also he is carrying a very beautiful painting in his feet. And also, you're drunk.

- Jack Handey

Enjoy,
Fisher of Men :D

P.S. - Some of you may not "get" these or think they are funny. :)

[thombrogan]

"It's sad that a family can be ripped apart by something as simple as a pack of wild dogs" -Jack Handey

[the boy]

Don't got any Jack Handey quotes but I do have one from Matt Foley motivational speaker.


"Brian, from what I've heard, you're using your paper, not for writing, but for rolling doobies!! You're gonna be doing a lot of doobie-rolling when you're living in a van down by the river!" -The Late Great Chris Farley :D :D :D


Tim

[The Deacon]

Is there anything more beautiful than a beautiful, beautiful flamingo flying across in front of a beautiful sunset. And he has a beautiful rose in his beak. And also he is carrying a very beautiful painting in his feet. And also, you're drunk.

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[Jimmy_Dean]

that was hilarious! Thanks for the good laugh!!

[Roefisher]

I find the Marx brothers to be a good laugh. Here's a few of my favourites;

Groucho: We were young, gay, reckless. That night I drank champagne from your slipper. Two quarts. It would have been more, but you were wearing inner soles... I could dance with you till the cows come home. On second thoughts, i'd rather dance with the cows till you come home... Would you mind giving me a lock of your hair?

Margaret Dumont: A lock of my hair? Why, I had no idea.

Groucho: I'm letting you off easy. I was going to ask for the whole wig.

***

Groucho: How much do you get an hour to play?

Chico: Six-a dollars, boss.

Groucho: How much would you take not to play?

Chico: Oh, you-a couldn't afford it.

***

Margaret Dumont: The future of Freedonia rests on you. Promise me you'll follow in the footsteps of my husband.

Groucho: How do you like that? I haven't been on the job five minutes and already she's making advances to me. Not that I care. Where is your husband?

Margaret Dumont: Why he's dead.

Groucho: I bet he's just using that as an excuse.

Margaret Dumont: I was with him to the very end.

Groucho: Huh! No wonder he passed away.

Margaret Dumont: I held him in my arms and kissed him.

Groucho: Oh, I see. Then it was murder.

***

Groucho and Chico examing a contract;

Groucho: That's what they call a sanity clause.

Chico: You can't fool me. There ain't no Santy Claus.

***
Regards

Roefisher

[Simple Man]

If you go through a lot of hammers each month, I don't think it necessarily means you're a hard worker. It may just mean that you have a lot to learn about proper hammer maintenance.

This one makes a little too much sense, I might have to use it in the future. ;)