malice4you
10-30-2007, 12:53 AM
We interrupt your regularly scheduled programming to bring you this Public Service Announcement. But first......
It's that time of year again...little brats....errr....excuse me...kids dress up and come knocking at doors, wanting their candy. I've got to assume that Halloween was invented by dentists who had too much debt from all those years of school, but not enough clients... "Let's create a holiday where all the kids come to everyone's houses, and everyone gives them twenty cents worth of corn syrup and sugar," they said. "As their teeth rot from weeks of eating candy, their parents will have no choice but to bring them to us, at $115 per visit!" Other dentists chimed in "That's brilliant! Why didn't we think of this sooner?" Dentists quickly held a conference (yes, that trip to Maui for a conference is definitely a business expense), and word spread like wildfire around the world that on October 31st, everyone would give out free candy to anyone wearing a sheet with two holes cut in it who came knocking.
Dentists aside, something about Halloween bothers me. But first, let me get into some detail about my own experiences with Halloween before I get into this bothersome issue.
I live in a more wealthy section of my town, which also happens to be on a hill. There were some kids in my neighborhood, but not really all that many. Not too many kids ventured into the neighborhood from other areas either, because of those hills. So, as a little brat/kid, I made out like a bandit because the more wealthy people bought giant candy bars and give them out to the few kids who showed up at their doors.
I then started going to a friend's house to trick or treat. He lived in a nice, but not quite as wealthy area, but it was flat, with houses closer together. More kids lived in that area as well. We'd go out trick or treating in his neighborhood, and at first, I thought things were even better than my part of town. "No hills!" I thought to myself. "These houses are WAY closer to each other than my neighborhood!" I thought to myself. I was then introduced to the "fun size," "snack size," and "bite sized" candy bars which were handed out in that area.
The moral dilemma for kids of our age was....do we go to my area, and get less candy, but bigger, better stuff, with more work involved, or his area, a nice flat part of town with lots more opportunities....for tiny candy bars.
A very tough call, to be sure.
As you can see, these so-called "fun-size" bars are not even close to what could be called "fun." A REAL 'fun-size' candy bar should have enough sugar to make a typical child hyper for about one week straight after eating it. A REAL 'fun-size' bar should not be measured in grams or fractions of an ounce, it should be at least 1/2 pound of chocolate and all the other good stuff that's inside. A REAL 'fun-size' bar should be a replacement for dinner, dessert, AND the next morning's breakfast (even if that breakfast is lucky choco-charm pebbles or some other cereal made entirely of sugar, but thinly-veiled as 'part of a healthy breakfast.'). Oh, and it should also fill the kid up so they're too full to eat at least a week's worth of veggies, on top of a few meals. The starting size for any candy product marketed as 'fun-size' should be about the size of a soda can (except more flat – otherwise, how could you eat it?)
Candy companies calling a 1 ½" long, 1" wide, ½" tall candy bar "fun-size" are lying to everyone who consume their products. The sugar rush should be similar to that of a what I imagine a hit of cocaine might be like; now THAT would be fun! None of this namby-pamby wussy pathetic little crap that kids today have to put up with called 'fun-size.'
So, if you haven't gone out and purchased your Halloween candy yet, make sure you get the biggest damn candy bars you can find. I've seen some 5 pound Hershey bars before....get to it! If not that, then at least opt for "king size" – they are at least worthy of the name "fun size" – though I'd think a king could afford a much larger candy bar. And if you've already bought "fun-size" candy, stick three or four in your mouth at once to get rid of 'em, and go out and buy some REAL candy bars today!
Oh, and my friend and I alternated between neighborhoods every year. If we hadn't already been lugging pounds worth of sugar overflowing from our pillowcases-a-la-Halloween bags, we probably would have hit both neighborhoods.
(c)2007 malice4you. All Rights Reserved.
It's that time of year again...little brats....errr....excuse me...kids dress up and come knocking at doors, wanting their candy. I've got to assume that Halloween was invented by dentists who had too much debt from all those years of school, but not enough clients... "Let's create a holiday where all the kids come to everyone's houses, and everyone gives them twenty cents worth of corn syrup and sugar," they said. "As their teeth rot from weeks of eating candy, their parents will have no choice but to bring them to us, at $115 per visit!" Other dentists chimed in "That's brilliant! Why didn't we think of this sooner?" Dentists quickly held a conference (yes, that trip to Maui for a conference is definitely a business expense), and word spread like wildfire around the world that on October 31st, everyone would give out free candy to anyone wearing a sheet with two holes cut in it who came knocking.
Dentists aside, something about Halloween bothers me. But first, let me get into some detail about my own experiences with Halloween before I get into this bothersome issue.
I live in a more wealthy section of my town, which also happens to be on a hill. There were some kids in my neighborhood, but not really all that many. Not too many kids ventured into the neighborhood from other areas either, because of those hills. So, as a little brat/kid, I made out like a bandit because the more wealthy people bought giant candy bars and give them out to the few kids who showed up at their doors.
I then started going to a friend's house to trick or treat. He lived in a nice, but not quite as wealthy area, but it was flat, with houses closer together. More kids lived in that area as well. We'd go out trick or treating in his neighborhood, and at first, I thought things were even better than my part of town. "No hills!" I thought to myself. "These houses are WAY closer to each other than my neighborhood!" I thought to myself. I was then introduced to the "fun size," "snack size," and "bite sized" candy bars which were handed out in that area.
The moral dilemma for kids of our age was....do we go to my area, and get less candy, but bigger, better stuff, with more work involved, or his area, a nice flat part of town with lots more opportunities....for tiny candy bars.
A very tough call, to be sure.
As you can see, these so-called "fun-size" bars are not even close to what could be called "fun." A REAL 'fun-size' candy bar should have enough sugar to make a typical child hyper for about one week straight after eating it. A REAL 'fun-size' bar should not be measured in grams or fractions of an ounce, it should be at least 1/2 pound of chocolate and all the other good stuff that's inside. A REAL 'fun-size' bar should be a replacement for dinner, dessert, AND the next morning's breakfast (even if that breakfast is lucky choco-charm pebbles or some other cereal made entirely of sugar, but thinly-veiled as 'part of a healthy breakfast.'). Oh, and it should also fill the kid up so they're too full to eat at least a week's worth of veggies, on top of a few meals. The starting size for any candy product marketed as 'fun-size' should be about the size of a soda can (except more flat – otherwise, how could you eat it?)
Candy companies calling a 1 ½" long, 1" wide, ½" tall candy bar "fun-size" are lying to everyone who consume their products. The sugar rush should be similar to that of a what I imagine a hit of cocaine might be like; now THAT would be fun! None of this namby-pamby wussy pathetic little crap that kids today have to put up with called 'fun-size.'
So, if you haven't gone out and purchased your Halloween candy yet, make sure you get the biggest damn candy bars you can find. I've seen some 5 pound Hershey bars before....get to it! If not that, then at least opt for "king size" – they are at least worthy of the name "fun size" – though I'd think a king could afford a much larger candy bar. And if you've already bought "fun-size" candy, stick three or four in your mouth at once to get rid of 'em, and go out and buy some REAL candy bars today!
Oh, and my friend and I alternated between neighborhoods every year. If we hadn't already been lugging pounds worth of sugar overflowing from our pillowcases-a-la-Halloween bags, we probably would have hit both neighborhoods.
(c)2007 malice4you. All Rights Reserved.