Chuckles, Inc.

[SkullBouncer]

Thought it'd be nice to dedicate a joke thread.
-- Endeavoring to avoid anything NSFW......let the good times roll!!

================================================== ===================

Little Red Riding Hood is on her way to Granny's house, carrying a picnic basket and skipping merrily along the path through the woods.
After ten minutes or so, she sees something rustle in the bushes, and walks over to investigate -- only to find a crouching Big, Bad Wolf.

"My, what big eyes you have, Mister Wolf!", says Little Red Riding Hood.
Abruptly, the wolf jumps out of the bushes in front of her... and immediately runs up the path far ahead, deeper into the woods.



Another ten minutes later while skipping along, Little Red Riding Hood sees some more moving about, this time behind a tree. Upon walking over to investigate she again discovers, crouching behind it, the Big, Bad Wolf.

"My, what big ears you have, Mister Wolf!" exclaims Little Red Riding Hood.
Leaping out from behind the tree in front of the girl, the Wolf dashes away up the path and out of sight, ever closer to Granny's House.



Confused yet undaunted, Little Red Riding Hood recommences skipping merrily up the path. Another ten minutes pass, but this time the girl catches a glimpse of something now behind a boulder.
Walking over to investigate, she looks behind the rock to discover crouched in hiding, AGAIN the BIG, BAD WOLF!!

"My, what big teeth you have Mister Wolf!!" exclaims the little girl.

Once more the Wolf frantically springs onto the path, at last angrily confronting her face to face, and screams "WILL YOU STOP DOING THAT??!?
I'm TRYING to Take A CRAP!!!"

/ SB! :-D

[Dr. Snubnose]

I'll try my hand at this:

A Texas rancher goes to Australia and visits with a rancher down under. He say to the Rancher, "Hoow many heead of cattle do you have on this here ranch?" The Aussie answers, "We got bout Fiiive hundred ead of cattle here" The Texan replies, "Whhyyy Five Hundred head of cattle, whhyyy back in Texas that's a BBQ!" The Texan now asks, "Hooow much acreage do you have heere on this here ranch" The Aussie rancher says, "Wee've got bout One thousand acres of land ere" The Texan replies, " 1,000 acres of land!, whhhy back in Texas...that's a cabbage patch!" Then across the field the Texan views a rather large Kangaroo hopping across the field, he points and says, "What the heck is that??!!!!" The Aussie replys, Oh, I guess they don't ave Grasshoppers back in Texas!"
Doc:D

[SkullBouncer]

LOL!!

Thought I'd throw this one on before winding down for the evening:

================================================== ==================

THE BLIND CASHIER .

A woman goes into a Sporting Goods store to buy a fly fishing rod and reel for her grandson's birthday.

She doesn't know which one to get, so she just grabs one and goes over to the counter.
The Sporting Goods salesman is standing there, wearing dark sunglasses.
She says, "Excuse me. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel”?

He says, "Madam, I'm completely blind; but, if you'll drop it on the counter, I can tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound it makes”.

She doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter anyway.
He says, "That's an eight-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel and floating line.
It's a good all around combination, and it's on sale this week for $58.00."

She says, "It's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I'll take it!"
As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor.

"Oh, that sounds like a Visa card," he says.
As the lady bent down to pick up the card, she accidentally and quite audibly passes gas.
She was extremely embarrassed by this, but said nothing, hoping no one noticed.

The man rings up the sale and says, "That'll be $73.50 please."

The woman is totally confused by this and asks, "Didn't you tell me it was on sale for $58.00 -- How did you get to $73.50?


He replies, "Yes Madam, the rod and reel are $58.00, but the Duck Caller is $11.00....
....and the Fish Bait is $4.50.

================================================== ==================

Ba-Da-BING! :-D
/ SB

[Dr. Snubnose]

Ok I'll try once more: (Keeping it clean mind you, you can tell this one to the kiddies)

I was walking on the beach the other day and I came upon a pirate just standing there on the beach, Pirate hat, and clothes, peg leg, patch over the eye, and a steel hook for a hand...I approached him and asked..."Excuse me...are you a real pirate?" He answered "grrrr I am a real pirate matey" Mind me asking what happened to your leg, (looking down at his wooden peg leg) He answered, "It was a stoooormy stoooormy night, the winds were blowing hard and the boat was rockin too and fro, and fro and too, I went to cast an anchor and me leg got caught up in the rope, ripped me leg off and into the water it went, a shark came by and snatched it up and swam away, that's how I got me peg leg" as he winked. I told him I was sorry to hear that and asked him if he minded telling me what happen to his arm. (Looking at his steel hook for a hand), He said " It was a stoormy stooormy night the winds were blowing hard, the boat was rockin too and fro and fro and too, I went to set the mast and the boom came loose and knocked me overboard...a barracuda came by and bit off me arm, and that's how I got the steel hook" He said as he winked with his good eye. Oh I said, I'm so sorry to hear that. The I asked, Mind me asking what happened to your eye?. He answered "Oh me eye!, It was a beautiful beautiful day the sun was a shinning bright, I went up on the deck for some fresh air, and when I looked up at the sun, a bird came by and pooped in my eye, so I wiped it out....was me first day with the hook matey"
Doc:D

[HellHound]

Speaking of comedy i just love stand up.Anyone listen to comedy 104, a radio station that plays only comedy ,enjoy! :) http://star104.net/player/id/20

[buglerbilly]

Wife asks husband

Wife asks husband,

"How many women have you slept with?"

Husband proudly replies,

"Only you, Darling - With all the others, I was awake."

Hospital Visiting Hours are 10 am to 4 PM :D

[buglerbilly]

http://img163.imageshack.us/img163/2091/dog1w.jpg

[buglerbilly]

Go easy on the botox then?


A 54 year old woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital.

While on the operating table she had a near death experience. Seeing God she asked "Is my time up?"

God said, "No, you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live."

Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a face-lift, liposuction, breast implants and a tummy tuck She even had someone come in and change her hair colour and brighten her teeth! Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it.

After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance.

Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had another 43 years? Why didn't you pull me from out of the path of the ambulance?"



(You'll love this)



God replied: "I didn't bloody recognize you."

[Dr. Snubnose]

http://i991.photobucket.com/albums/af33/DrSnubnose/images.jpg

[SkullBouncer]

Hahahahaha!!!

/ sb ;-)

[SkullBouncer]

Ducks can be funny, too..!!
================================================== ==================

...One day this Duck is out walking around the city, and eventually goes into a grocery store.

Walking up to the counter, the duck stands there, staring at the clerk.The Clerk at the counter just looks at him, wondering what this duck is doing in his store.

After a moment, The duck asks, simply, "Got any grapes?"
The stunned clerk replies "...uhhh... no. We don't have any grapes."
So the duck turns around and leaves.

A half hour passes, and the duck returns, walking back up to the clerk.
"...Got any grapes?" asks the duck.
The clerk tells the duck "No, I Don't! No Grapes!"
Out the door goes the duck.

One hour later, the duck returns to the grocery store, and again confronts the clerk.
"Got any grapes?" again asks the duck.
The clerk, having enough of this, yells "No, I told you twice already! We don't have grapes!
...If you ask me that one more time," continues the clerk, "I'll nail your feet to the floor. Now go away, and leave me alone!"
And with that, the duck again heads for the door, and leaves.

Another hour passes. Two.
Three hours hence, ...here comes the duck yet again, walking right back up to the grocer's counter.
For a minute or so, they simply stare at each other in bewilderment, finally interrupted by the clerk exclaiming "What??!"

The duck asks "Got any nails?"
The clerk shouts "NO! I don't have any Nails!"

The duck says "Got any grapes??

================================================== ==================



:D :D / SB!

[bh49]

this is an old one, but I still love it

[SkullBouncer]

A Nun Goes Golfing

A nun walks into Mother Superior's office and plunks down into a chair. She lets out a sigh heavy with frustration.

"What troubles you, Sister?" asked the Mother Superior. "I thought this was the day you spent with your family." "It was," sighed the Sister. "And I went to play golf with my brother. We try to play golf as often as we can. You know I was quite a talented golfer before I devoted my life to Christ." "I seem to recall that," the Mother Superior agreed. "So I take it your day of recreation was not relaxing?"

"Far from it," snorted the Sister. "In fact, I even took the Lord's name in vain today!" "Goodness, Sister!" gasped the Mother Superior, astonished. "You must tell me all about it!"

"Well, we were on the fifth tee... and this hole is a monster, Mother - 540 yard par 5, with a nasty dogleg left and a hidden green... and I hit the drive of my life. I creamed it. The sweetest swing I ever made. And it's flying straight and true, right along the line I wanted... and it hits a bird in mid-flight!"

"Oh my!" commiserated the Mother. "How unfortunate! But surely that didn't make you blaspheme, Sister!" "No, that wasn't it," admitted Sister. "While I was still trying to fathom what had happened, this squirrel runs out of the woods, grabs my ball and runs off down the fairway!" "Oh, that would have made me blaspheme!" sympathised the Mother.

"But I didn't, Mother!" sobbed the Sister. "And I was so proud of myself! And while I was pondering whether this was a sign from God, this hawk swoops out of the sky and grabs the squirrel and flies off, with my ball still clutched in his paws!" "So that"s when you cursed...?" said the Mother with a knowing smile.

"Nope, that wasn"t it either," cried the Sister, anguished, "because as the hawk started to fly out of sight, the squirrel started struggling, and the hawk dropped him right there on the green, and the ball popped out of his paws and rolled to about 18 inches from the cup!"

Mother Superior sat back in her chair, folded her arms across her chest, fixed the Sister with a baleful stare and said... "Missed the f*cking putt didn't you?"






/ BREWSKI :cool::cool::D

[HellHound]

http://bluejacket.com/humor_usmc_wisdom.html Some great US marine rules ;)

[TrojanDonkey]

One day little Johnny came home from school with a note.His Daddy says: Well boy you know me and your Momma is illiterate.Read what it says son ! Johnny reads: "MR. and MRS. Johnson I asked Johnny who signed the Declaration of Independence several times today and I know he knows at least one person who signed it and he still woul'nt tell me.He stayed in for recess." Dad and Mom look sad and Dad says: Boy we don't wont you to be dumb like us.Get an education and behave,and if YOU signed that Declaration of Independence you better admit to it now!

[dialex]

Thanks for the laughs guys, you really made my day. :D I guess it's my turn now:

So here's this guy coming back home from work on a cold rainy day, tired and frozen. In order to get warm, he fills the bathtub with hot water and lays there, leavig his body to relax. He almost falls asleep when suddently there's someone knocking at the door.
Taken by surprise, the first thing he grabs is his raincoat and after quickly buttoning it, he opens the door. :rolleyes:
At the door was his neighbour, who takes a glance at the naked man in the raincoat and starts to laugh.
Our guy, annoyed, asks him: "What? Haven't you ever seen a man in a raincoat?"
Ad his neighbour replies: "Oh, I've seen a couple people in raincoats in my life. But I never saw a raincoat buttoned with a testicle" :eek:

[SkullBouncer]

LMAO ... !!!


================================================== ========

A Riddle......


* Arnold Schwarzenegger has a big one.

* Michael J. Fox has a small one.

* Madonna doesn't have one..

* The Pope has one but doesn't use it.

* Clinton uses his all the time.

* Obama is one.

* Mickey Mouse has an unusual one.

* Liberace never used his on women.

* Jerry Seinfeld is very, very proud of his.

* Cher claims that she took on 3.

* We never saw Lucy use Desi's.


What is it? Answer below! (This is pretty good).




































































The answer is: "A Last Name."


You thought it was a dirty joke, didn't you? :cool::p:p

/ SB!!

[SkullBouncer]

Ben invited his mother over for dinner. During the meal, his mother couldn’t help noticing how beautiful Ben’s roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between Ben and his roommate and this only made her more curious.

Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Ben and the roommate than met the eye. Reading his mom’s thoughts, Ben volunteered, “I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Allison and I are just roommates.”

About a week later, Allison came to Ben and said, “Ever since your mother came to dinner, I’ve been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. “You don’t suppose she took it, do you?”

Ben said, “Well, I doubt it, but I’ll E-Mail her just to be sure.”

So he sat down at the computer and wrote: “Dear Mother, I’m not saying you ‘did’ take a gravy ladle from my house, and I’m not saying you ‘did not’ take a gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.”

Several days later, Ben received an e-mail from his mother which read:

“Dear Son, I’m not saying that you ‘do’ sleep with Allison, and I’m not saying that you ‘do not’ sleep with Allison. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now. Love, Mom”

[HellHound]

Found a great one guy's (WARNING! Not for kiddies) :D
A drunk walks into a bar and
notices a banner that says "win
$10,000; ask bartender for
details".
He asks and the bartender says
"well, you see that man at the
end of the bar?". The drunk
looks over and sees a huge,
burley dude. The bartender says
"if you can knock him out with
one punch, you go to the second
step...
The door right behind that big
guy opens into a room
containing an alligator with a
sore tooth. If you can pull his
tooth and come out alive, you
move on to step three...
Those stairs next to the door go
up to an eighty year old
hooker's apartment. She has
never been satisfied by any man.
If you can satisfy her, you win
the money!"
The drunk says ok and orders a
double shot of whiskey. He belts
that down, walks to the end of
the bar and POW!, knocks the
big dude out. He orders another
double, belts it down, walks to
the door, steps inside and closes
the door. In a few moments the bartender and the rest of the visitors hear the most terifying mix of growling and screaming they have ever heard. Few minutes
later, the drunk walks out of the
room bloody, clothes shredded.
He orders another double,
drinks it and says "o.k., where's
the hooker with the sore
tooth?". :D :D :D

[SkullBouncer]

An American businessman in Glasgow walked into a restaurant and asked the waitress what the special was.

"Roast and rice," the Scottish miss replied in a heavy brogue.

"You certainly do roll your R’s," the businessman observed.

"I suppose," she giggled, beginning to blush, "but only when I wear high heels."

:cool: / SB :cool:

[The Deacon]

Found a great one guy's (WARNING! Not for kiddies) :DIf you have to put that in, the best thing would be not to post it, or a link to it, on this forum. This place has always been "family friendly/child safe" and most of us would prefer it to remain that way.

[SkullBouncer]

Thanks, Deacon -- I was myself close to the proverbial 'line' perhaps;


Thought it'd be nice to dedicate a joke thread.
-- Endeavoring to avoid anything NSFW...../ SB! :-D

I re-assert my initial post header / tx. / Bruce ;)

P.S....let the good times roll!!
/ SB! :-D [/QUOTE]

[SkullBouncer]

A doctor says to his patient, "I have bad news and worse news".

"Oh dear, what's the bad news?" asks the patient.
The doctor replies: "You only have 24 hours to live."

"That's terrible!!!" said the patient. "How can any news possibly be worse than THAT??!?"

The doctor replies: "I've been trying to contact you since yesterday."

:p...:p...:p...:p

************************************************** *********

[Hannibal Lecter]

My Dear Friends,

A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and tells the vendor, "Make me one with everything."

--------
Hannibal

[SkullBouncer]

*facepalm .....hehehe...it took the punchline a couple seconds to register, LOL -- niiice one! / SB :p:p

[Dr. Snubnose]

My Dear Friends,

A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and tells the vendor, "Make me one with everything."

--------
Hannibal

LOL...I can't believe your first post in a while on this forum was a joke...LOL ...you must be warming up;)...Great to see you back posting on the forum Doctor Han......Doc:D

On this note of short jokes I add: One Psychologist passes another in the street and says Hi.......The other stops a few feet later and says out loud.....hmmmm Wonder what he meant by that.....

[Hannibal Lecter]

My Dear Friends,

The question on the mind of every dyslexic existentialist: is there a Dog?

--------
Hannibal

[The Mastiff]

A girl goes to her boyfriend's parents' house for Christmas dinner. This is to be her first time meeting the family and she is very nervous. They all sit down and begin eating a fine meal.
The woman is beginning to feel a little discomfort, thanks to her nervousness and the baked beans. The gas pains she has practically make her eyes water. Left with no other choice, she decides to relieve herself a bit and every so gently lets out a very dainty fart. It wasn't loud, but everyone at the table heard the poof.
Before she even had a chance to be embarrassed, her boyfriend's father looked over at the dog that had been snoozing under the woman's chair, and said in a rather stern voice, "Rover!".
The girl thought, "This is great! He thinks it's the dog!". A big smile came across her face. A couple of minutes later, she was beginning to feel the pain again. This time, she didn't even hesitate. She let out a louder and longer rrrrrip.
The father again looked at the dog and yelled, "Rover!". Once again the girl smiled and thought, "Yes! This is great!". A few minutes later she had to let another rip. This time she didn't even think about it nor did she hold back. She ripped a fart so big and so loud that it made the windows vibrate.
Once again, the father looked at the dog with disgust and yelled, "Damn-it Rover get away from that girl before she s#!^$ on you!

:)

[tonydahose]

laughed out loud on that one Joe:D.

here are a few copied from some emails:

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.
>
> After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."
>
> The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?"
>
> "Yes, I am sure. The duck is dead," replied the vet..
>
> "How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."
>
> The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room.
>
> He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.
>
> The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room.
>
> A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.
>
> The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."
>
> The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman. The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!" she cried, "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!"
>
> The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now $150


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

THE DIFFERENCE IF YOU MARRY A Chicago Woman

The first man married a woman from North Carolina . He told her that she was to do the dishes and house cleaning.. It took a couple of days, but on the third day, he came home to see a clean house and dishes washed and put away.

The second man married a woman from South Carolina . He gave his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking. The first day he didn't see any results, but the next day he saw it was better. By the third day, he saw his house was clean,
the dishes were done and there was a huge dinner on the table.

The third man married a girl from Chicago . He ordered her to keep the house clean, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed, and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything but by the third day, some of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye, and his arm was healed enough that he could fix himself a sandwich and load the dishwasher.. He still has some difficulty when he pees.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
i had to edit this one a bit

The Best Smart Alec Answers of 2009!!

SMART Alec ANSWER #6

It was mealtime during an airline flight. 'Would you like dinner?' the flight attendant asked John, seated in front. 'What are my choices?' John asked..
'Yes or no,' she replied.



SMART Alec ANSWER #5
edited



SMART Alec ANSWER #4

A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store but she couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, ' Do these turkeys get any bigger?'
The stock boy replied, 'No ma'am, they're dead.'



SMART Alec ANSWER #3

The police officer got out of his car as the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window. 'I've been waiting for you all day,' the officer said. The kid replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could.."
When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.



SMART Alec ANSWER #2

A truck driver was driving along on the freeway and noticed a sign that read: Low Bridge Ahead. Before he knows it, the bridge is right in front of him and his truck gets wedged under it. Cars are backed up for miles.

Finally a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, 'Got stuck, huh?'
The truck driver says, 'No, I was delivering this bridge and I ran out of gas.'



SMART Alec ANSWER OF THE YEAR 2009!!

edited...sorry it was a funny one but not for here


A BONUS EXTRA

A woman is standing nude looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'

The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.

[SkullBouncer]

Lololl!! :d:d:d:d:d !!! (*edit* MY EMOTICONS HATE ME!!! ;-)

[HellHound]

If you have to put that in, the best thing would be not to post it, or a link to it, on this forum. This place has always been "family friendly/child safe" and most of us would prefer it to remain that way.

Sorry D, just army humor from now on then :)

Say fellas whats the national bird of Iraq?

Dunno?

DUCK!!!! :D

[defenestrate]

Good idea, Bruce! Always nice to have a little levity..

More of these at this link: (http://www.stumbleupon.com/su/2Ppsgr/www.onelinerz.net/top-100-funny-one-liners/)

I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather.. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. "Yes" is the answer.

We live in a society where pizza gets to your house before the police.

Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship.

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening', and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.

[SkullBouncer]

After watching sales falling off for three straight months at Kentucky Fried Chicken, the Colonel calls up the Pope to ask for a favor.

The Pope says, "What can I do?"
The Colonel says, "I need you to change the Daily Prayer from 'Give Us this Day Our Daily Bread' to 'Give Us This Day Our Daily Chicken.' If you do it, I'll donate 10 million dollars to the Vatican."
The Pope replies, "I am sorry. That is the Lord's Prayer and I cannot change the words."
So the Colonel hangs up.

After another month of dismal sales, the Colonel panics, and calls again.
"Listen Your Excellency, I really need your help. I'll give you $50 million dollars if you change the words of the Daily Prayer from 'Give Us This Day Our Daily Bread' to 'Give Us This Day Our Daily Chicken."
And the Pope responds, "It is very tempting, Colonel Sanders. The Church could do a lot of good with that much money. It would help us support many charities. But, again, I must decline. It is the Lord's Prayer, and I can't change the words."
So the Colonel Gives up again.

After two more months of terrible sales the Colonel gets desperate.
"This is my final offer, Your Excellency. If you change the words of the Daily Prayer from, 'Give Us This Day Our Daily Bread' to 'Give Us This Day Our Daily Chicken' I will donate $100 million to the Vatican."
"Let me get back to you!" says the Pope.
So the next day, the Pope calls together all of his bishops and he says, "I have some good news and I have some bad news.
The Good news is that KFC is going to donate $100 million to the Vatican." The Bishops rejoice at the news. Then one asks about the bad news.

The Pope replies, "The bad news is that we lost the Wonder Bread account."


:cool: / SB!! :cool:

[SkullBouncer]

A little guy is sitting at the bar staring at his drink when a large, trouble-making biker steps up next to him, grabs his drink and gulps it down in one swig.

"Well, whatcha gonna do about it?" he says, menacingly, as the little guy bursts into tears.

"Come on, man," the biker says, "I didn't think you'd CRY...!!"


"...This is the worst day of my life," says the little guy. "I'm a complete failure. I was late to a meeting, and my boss fired me.
When I went to the parking lot, I found my car stolen and I don't have any insurance, I left my wallet in the cab I took home.
I caught my wife upstairs in an affair with the gardener -- then my dog bit me, so I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all.

I buy a drink, I drop a capsule in, and sit here watching the poison dissolve...then some wise *** like you shows up, grabs it away and drinks the whole thing --

-- Geez, I just can't win."



:D.....:D.....:D..... / SB!!

[stonetone]

My Dear Friends,

A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and tells the vendor, "Make me one with everything."

--------
Hannibal


Hahaha, one of my favorites! I love short, punchy zingers. So, here's another:

Q: What's Irish and stays out all night?

A: Paddy O'Furniture

[SkullBouncer]

The Lone Ranger and Tonto are sleeping out one night on the open range.
About two in the morning, the Lone Ranger wakes Tonto up and says "Hey Tonto... you see all those stars?"

Tonto replies "...Mmmmm Many stars"

LR.. "What does that tell you Tonto...??"

Tonto... "Well, position of the moon tells me it's 2:15 am.
Saturn is in Leo, , there is a pulsar appearing in Cassiopeia, the reddish glow to the stars on western horizon mean we will be in dust storm tomorrow, and temperature will be 45 degrees in the morning...
...What that tell you, Kimosabe?"










LR.. "That's all very interesting there Mr. Science.
But... it tells ME that someone stole our #$&*%$ TENT!"

/ SB :p:p

[Creepo]

Ok guys here's one funny quote from the #Spyderco IRC channel:

23:02 < ClusterFlux> quite the international gathering we have today!
23:02 < Creepo> lol, a Finn, Filipino, and a canadian who lives near golden
23:02 < chuck45> I guess it's always that international in the forums
23:02 < ClusterFlux> lol
23:03 < ClusterFlux> sounds like a bad joke...
23:03 < Creepo> :D
23:03 < chuck45> hahaha
23:03 < ClusterFlux> so a Finn, Filipeno, and a Canadian living near Golden Co walk into a bar...
23:03 < ClusterFlux> no
23:03 < ClusterFlux> walk into the SFO
23:03 < ClusterFlux> :P
23:03 < chuck45> what did the bartender say?

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23:03 < ClusterFlux> you want a kiwi with that?

:D

[unit]

Three guys walk into a bar....the the fourth one ducked.

[unit]

A guy runs into the doctors office screaming, "I am a wigwam!...I am a tepee!...I am a WIGWAM!!....I am a TEPEE!!"

The doctor says, "RELAX, you are two tents".

[SkullBouncer]

:D I laugh harder every time I see this!! :D

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g91wjVxVn5E&feature=player_embedded

Destined to become a Classic!!

Stay Sharp --
:spyder: SB :spyder: