Family friendly jokes

[Doc Dan]

What do you call a cow with only two legs?

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Lean beef.

What do you call a cow with no legs?

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Ground Beef

What do you call a cow in an earthquake?

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A milkshake.

[Doc Dan]

Where do you find a cow with no legs?

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Right where you left it.

[Doc Dan]

There were two men working for the city. One would dig and dig and dig until a deep hole in the ground appeared. The other would come behind him and fill the hole with piles of dirt.

The two men worked furiously: one digging a hole, the other filling it up again.

A man was watching the pair from the footpath but couldn’t understand what they were doing. Finally he had to ask.

He said to the hole digger: “I appreciate how hard you work, but what are you doing? You dig a hole and your partner comes behind you and fills it up again!”

The hole digger replied: “Oh yeah, it must look funny, but the guy who plants the trees is sick today.”

[Doc Dan]

A man is in bed with his wife when there is a knock on the door. He rolls over and looks at his clock, and it’s half past three in the morning. “I’m not getting out of bed at this time,” he thinks, and rolls over. Then, a louder knock follows.

“Aren’t you going to answer that?” says his wife. So he drags himself out of bed and goes downstairs. He opens the door and there is man standing at the door. It didn’t take the homeowner long to realise the man was drunk.

“Hi there,” slurs the stranger. “Can you give me a push?”

“No, get lost. It’s half past three. I was in bed,” says the man and slams the door.

He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened and she says: “Dave, that wasn’t very nice of you. Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the baby sitter and you had to knock on that man’s house to get us started again? What would have happened if he’d told us to get lost?”

“But the guy was drunk,” says the husband.

“It doesn’t matter,” says the wife. “He needs our help and it would be the right thing to help him.” So the husband gets out of bed again, gets dressed and goes downstairs.

He opens the door, and not being able to see the stranger anywhere he shouts: “Hey, do you still want a push?”

And he hears a voice cry out: “Yeah, please.”

So, still being unable to see the stranger he shouts: “Where are you?”

And the stranger replies: “I’m over here, on your swing.”

[TomAiello]

What do you call a cow that just had a baby?

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Decaffeinated

[Manixguy@1994]

[Manixguy@1994]

[Doc Dan]

[Manixguy@1994]

[SpyderEdgeForever]

Why was Cinderella so bad at soccer?
She kept running away from the ball.
What would bears be without bee's?
ears.
Why do cows wear bells?
Because their horns don't work.

[Manixguy@1994]

MG2

[Doc Dan]

Brother John entered the Monastery of Silence and the Chief Priest said: “Brother, this is a silent monastery, you are welcome here as long as you like, but you may not speak until I direct you to do so.”

Brother John lived in the monastery for a full year before the Chief Priest said to him: “Brother John, you have been here a year now, you may speak two words.”

Brother John said: “Hard Bed.”

“I’m sorry to hear that,” the Chief Priest said. “We will get you a better bed.”

The next year, Brother John was called by the Chief Priest. “You may say another two words Brother John.”

“Cold Food,” said Brother John, and the Chief Priest assured him that the food would be better in future.

On his third anniversary at the monastery, the Chief Priest again called Brother John into his office. “Two words you may say today.”

“I Quit,” said Brother John.

“It is probably best,” said the Chief Priest. “All you have done since you got here is complain.”

[Bolster]

“I Quit,” said Brother John.

“It is probably best,” said the Chief Priest. “All you have done since you got here is complain.”

LOLOLOL...

[Doc Dan]

I went to the psychiatrist yesterday. She told me I had a split personality and charged me $160.

I gave her $80 and told her to collect the rest from the other guy.

[Doc Dan]

What's the difference between a Maserati and a dead body?

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I don't have a Maserati in my garage.

[Doc Dan]

Proudly showing off his new apartment to a friend late one night, a young man led the way to his bedroom, where there was a big brass gong.

“What’s that big brass gong for?” asked the friend.

“It’s not a gong. It’s a talking clock,” the drunk replied.

“A talking clock? How’s it work?”

“Watch,” said the drunk. He picked up a hammer, gave the gong an ear-shattering pound and stepped back.

Someone on the other side of the wall screamed: “Hey, you jerk! It’s three in the morning!”